We walked up the rounding staircase of the older downtown church, and I asked him the question: What is your greatest fear?
I was never much for small talk
The pastor, a friend, he answered me, “That people won’t like me.”
Yeah, the public life can be brutal.
He turned the question to me, and I replied, “That I will get to the end of my life having done nothing big for God.”
It is my biggest fear.
Craig Groeschel said it one time, that “what we fear the most reveals what we value the most.” And I’m finding my values here. In this statement response. The doing and achieving and can’t we all get lost in the Pharisee crowd.
A friend in college asked me once, “Do you ever feel like you are just meant to do something big?” ———-> Yes. So I signed up for the Peace Corps and visited the U.N. and had all kinds of thoughts about what big looked like. I had a dream of Africa, literally and then everyday in my heart. I lived in Dijon, France…and, yeah, they have good mustard there.
Then, you know, life happened, wars were waged, and I walked my yellow-brick path back home. I married a pastor, had littles and dreamed of the day I could make some kind of world difference.
I can see the rocking chair, smell their skin, remember the long nights of losing prayer – losing myself. The little people became my life. And I remember the day my husband whispered it low as I rocked them. “You are doing something big.”
The words of Micha Boyett, they echo mine:
“I know. But also I long to rescue the crushed of this world. I want to do something great….
…Do I believe there’s some secret path to valuable and I’m mindlessly skipping down the wrong one?
I think back to God’s long tunnel between my theology and my striving soul. Maybe I want to be there rescuing people because I want God to like me most.”
Yeah, maybe, like my pastor friend, I just want to be liked. By God.
And then Micha – she confesses something to her husband and I get it. So the Spirit rewords it for me. She says, “I love you more than my idea of being remarkable.” It catches me and my heart. My God – He settles it deep…
Ginger, do you love me more… than the idea….of being remarkable?
What mother doesn’t get lost in the space of mothering? Aching in love and wonder and worry all at the same time. Doesn’t motherhood take a woman into the deepest questions of role and purpose?
Who prepares us for this redefining?
I was lost and yelled out words in the dark nights of long. I just wanted God to rescue me from a hole I seemed to fall into with no exit ladder. What I did not know was that God was redefining me – deep in that dark hole of faith crisis.
Interesting how we strive towards Him, stumbling…. but still want to rescue everyone else.
It’s a path many have walked. And when I walked into the words of Micha Boyett through Found: A Story of Questions, Grace & Everyday Prayer, I found a soul sister.
Of course, if you buy it just for the forward, you’ve got a new nugget in your box of spirit candy. I was stopped steady with just one question by Ann Voskamp:
“How do you get through life knowing you didn’t miss out being who you were meant to be?”
Because if you follow the wisdom of the wise (and ain’t no one gonna question the wisdom of this farm girl) – you notice something here. So I pay attention.
Ann’s question is about being. Mine…is about doing.
I’ve got to do justice and love mercy and walk humbly..
What should I do for you, Lord? Is this enough, Lord. Do you like me now, Lord?
While the Spirit is whispering, Abide in Me.
Is the more important question – at the very end – who we are? Or maybe just – WHOSE we are.
Some questions need space to grow in. To sit awhile.
In that “space between the life we’re living and the life we long to live.” – A. Voskamp
You can find that space in Micha’s words, her telling of questions and daily living.
That daily living we all abide in and somehow miss…because we think it’s not big enough for Him.
What if your big thing is doing what God puts right in front of you….today?
What if the call of God for you looks a lot like grunt work? Or changing diapers…and caring for an aging parent. Remarkable things in the shadows…unseen by men.
Can I say “Yes” to this pocket, this corner. My little corner of the world. And what if every soul stretched to fit their own corners. Could we round out the changing of the world together?
I know a man who got a job sweeping floors at a Quick Trip to build a relationship with a worker there. That worker came to Christ, and that man is still sweeping. You know, just in case God can use him still. Who does that? Steps into the mundane with their free time solely to love one person to Christ. Every day.
Maybe we’ve falsely defined what it means to be remarkable.
Is it true that we miss the answers, often because….we aren’t asking the right questions? Are our questions too self-focused? In trying to find God, we keep talking about ourselves.
The search for God is the search of every soul. This book, Found, will walk you into the fabric of Micha’s daily life searching for ….and finding the God of love we all long for.
And at once we see He was with us all along. Leading us to a cross where every soul can be found whole. And every life can be of count.
My husband said it right, in the Sunday pulpit.
“The only way I can make my life count for something bigger than myself…is through Jesus of Nazareth.”
I pray you feel the brush of His Spirit today, believe in His love and know questions are okay. You are safe with Him.
Have you lost prayer? He hasn’t lost you. I’m walking back into prayer. You are welcome in my Prayer Closet any time.