I said to her, “I think my faith has died.”
She said she didn’t believe that.
So did others.
Because if you can offer hope to anyone in the dark, you try.
Faith without deeds is dead. Oh, James…you still do a work in me.
My faith was dying because in the midst of my darkest questions and doubt, I was drinking only of the lies I was fed and I lived only for myself. But, I was trying to survive.
There is a loss of communion,trust. We want to know the answer to the soul question: Can God be trusted?
Here, maybe for the first time, we doubt most every truth.
There is a hurt that clings. And it’s fed. And when you do no more drinking of the Word, and no more living of the Way…your spirit seems to wither. And in emptiness and hurt, we can cling to anything some days. Including the lies.
“It will always be this hard.”
“He abandoned you.”
“Where is His goodness now?”
Where did I start thinking I would get everything I asked for from Him? I was a babe in Christ. He cuddled me. Unconciously, I came to believe that would be the only way.
And then…I became a toddler in Him. Barely growing up – stubborn. I thought my tantrums in the dark surprised Him. Disappointed Him.
But He knew they would come.
And just like I have to let my toddler go to her room and work out her tantrum, He let me have mine. And I claimed if He loved me He would not just ignore me, but I ignore my daughter when I know it’s best for her to learn.
Turns out motherhood is a spiritual journey. Shedding some light into those dead places. Can we look into them with the eyes of God?
If we walk long in this Way, there will be unanswered questions and prayers that felt as though they hit the roof and bounced back.
I may be a toddler for some time….or maybe, just like my kids, the day will come when I look back and realize that day by day I grew up in Him.
And deeds – they help. You think they won’t. When you are in the mire and someone asks you to pray for them or teach them about fasting. But you serve when you feel nothing. And you are forced into the Word again.
The disciplines are like water to that plant you are convinced is dead. And most of my plants die.
But you go outside and see a flower blooming.
So faith – with deeds – is life. We serve because we believe. And sometimes, we serve so we may believe.